


Hyrule 101

by Fox_the_Reaper



Series: A Visitor's Guide to Alternate Realities [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Complete, Crack, Crossover, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Sequel, Sorry Not Sorry, Verbal Link, visitor's guide to Hyrule - Sirius edition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 10:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14282946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_the_Reaper/pseuds/Fox_the_Reaper
Summary: So Sirius is in Hyrule.  What now?  Nothing sane, of course.





	Hyrule 101

**Author's Note:**

> ...I only had four of these ficlets completed an hour or two ago. You guys inspired me, lol. 
> 
> If you think cracky ficlets are going to ruin the end of the actual story, I'd recommend skipping this. It's mostly just for fun :)
> 
> That said, I hope you all like the insanity!

Sirius stared. "You're off your nut," he said flatly. 

Link raised a brow and pointed at the seal he'd lassoed and tied a shield to. He was barely holding on to it, balanced as he was on another shield, rope straining against the second seal he'd caught for himself. 

The dog animagus shook his head. "Hippogriffs I get. Thestrals I get. But let me put this another way for you; I'd rather ride a centaur." 

Link snorted and tossed the makeshift reins to the wizard. "And here I thought you were known for your sense of adventure," he mocked. 

Sirius was not about to take that lying down. "You're on," he said, stomping onto the shield. He snapped the reins with a yell, the seal taking off like a large brown bullet. Miraculously he managed to stay balanced. On a shield. Behind a sand seal. 

A _seal_. With a _mohawk_. Sirius was not going to get over that any time soon. 

\- 

"Now I _know_ you're mad," Sirius said dryly. He watched as the little blond stripped, shucking his Hogwarts uniform in favor of a flimsy little number made of colorful silks and sporting a veil. The outfit covered hardly anything at all, and Sirius felt vaguely like a dirty old man despite the fact that he wasn't actually looking at a young girl. 

Off to his left, he could just make out one of the tall Amazonian beauties standing guard over the town. Seven or eight feet of pure muscle, she was, and also protecting the town. Of women. Full to the brim entirely of women. As in, banned to men. 

His godson's clearly insane friend didn't so much as blink. 

"You're going to get squished and I will laugh at you," he continued. 

Link rolled his eyes, slipping feet into dainty shoes. "Don't worry, I'll bring an outfit back for you, too. Gerudo Town's spa is _divine_. You may want to shave your beard, though." 

Sirius' mind screeched to a halt. Because. What. "Don't you dare." 

Link did. Sirius might have hexed him purple. 

\- 

The little blond was cuddling with another little blond, and Sirius stared first at Link, then at the girl, then at the tiny infant in her arms. 

"But you're like twelve," he whined plaintively. 

Zelda snorted in a perfectly unladylike fashion. The baby, also Zelda, gurgled. Link just smiled soppily, tugging the child out of his wife's arms and cooing. She giggled, and Link dissolved into little baby noises and tickles that made tiny hands reach out to grasp his fingers. 

Zelda the elder beamed at them, expression just as soppy and sweet, and Sirius wrinkled his nose. 

Merlin, these two were disgusting. 

\- 

Sirius had to admit, the shriveled Sheikah elder had the whole wise-mentor look down pat. She and Dumbledore would make quite the pair. 

Impa's eyes narrowed on the dog animagus and he shifted uncomfortably. "So you've brought a sorcerer back with you," she said to Link, who merely shrugged in reply. The Sheikah huffed, shaking her head in mock dismay. "Don't let my sister know, or you'll never hear the end of it." 

Zelda's expression brightened. "How is Purah?" 

"Eight," Impa said flatly. Link snorted. 

Sirius wondered if that was some kind of code, though for the life of him he couldn't figure out what it was supposed to mean. He shook his head, clearing it of distraction. 

"-I'll watch her while you visit the different regions," Impa was saying. "Bring her here whenever you'd like to go somewhere." She smiled fondly down at baby Zelda, who gurgled, reaching for the wizened elder with tiny hands. "For now, why don't you show your friend around Kakariko?" 

The blondes nodded, waving farewell as they led Sirius outside, past quiet little shops and houses until they'd left the village behind. 

Link's tours tended to be a little more scenic than most, so the wizard wasn't particularly concerned until they stopped before the largest flower Sirius had ever seen, petals unfurled around a glistening pool. Actually, he wasn't really concerned until he saw the expression on Zelda's face. 

"Cotera!" Link called cheerfully. 

"Really, Link?" she deadpanned. 

A massive shape burst from the water. Sirius' first thought, one he very wisely didn't share, was, _'Sweet Merlin look at the size of those knockers.'_

"Welcome back, young man," The beautiful giantess cooed. "Ooh? You've brought friends!" 

"We're going to be traveling awhile," Link told her. "I was hoping you wouldn't mind making my friend's clothes a little more durable?" he asked brightly. 

Cotera looked down at Sirius. Sirius stared right back. 

He should probably have worried at least a little at the mischievous glint in her eye. 

Cotera beamed. Sirius' expression took on a decidedly nervous edge. 

(He very much did _not_ shriek as the giantess' hand snatched him right from the flower. Really.) 

His next thoughts were better left unsaid. 

\- 

_"We're visiting the Domain,"_ Link had said. _"Would you like to come?"_ he'd asked. 

" _What's a Zora_?" had been his response. 

Sirius stared up. And up. And was nearly blinded by a bright, beaming grin. _'Oh,'_ he thought dimly. _'So that's a Zora.'_

"Welcome, dear friends!" the shark man bellowed at the hylian royalty, both of whom were only about half his height. He was still grinning, teeth sparkling and sharp. 

A fin wagged from the back of his head, _the back of his head,_ as he picked Link up in a crushing hug. The - insane - little blond just laughed and _hugged the giant predatory fish right back_. 

"You didn't tell me Zora are so large," he deadpanned. He might have been getting a crick in his neck. 

Zelda smiled with just a hint of mischief. "Not all of them," the queen said conspiratorially. "In any case, Sidon's not who we're meeting with." And promptly dragged him to King Dorephan. 

_'Whaaaalllee,'_ Sirius whined internally, staring up. And up. _And up_. 

Not all of them indeed. 

Then he thought about Sidon. And the statue of their princess. ' _Whale -- > dolphin --> shark_,' he thought, frown growing steadily deeper. ' _Whale, dolphin, sha-'_

Ugh. No. Never mind. 

His head hurt. 

\- 

In Sirius' defense, he'd thought it was a centaur. And centaurs were giant horse dicks, that was just fact. So of course he'd fired a teensy little prank spell at it; what else was he to do? 

_"MERLIN'S BALLS!"_ he shrieked, running for all he was worth. The spell hadn't even done anything! Why was it angry?! 

Link tilted his head in confusion. "Why'd you draw its attention if you don't want to fight it?" he asked, voice infuriatingly reasonable. 

Sirius' eyes nearly popped out of his skull, ducking under the swing of a truly massive cleaver. " _Conjunctivitis!"_ he screeched, firing over his shoulder _._ The lynel let out a truly bestial scream. Apparently Sirius' curse had hit it, because it let out a massive wave of fire that singed a trail over his head. And through a copse of trees to their left. And all through the tall grasses they were wandering through. He maybe should have thought better of blinding a giant fire-breathing cat-horse. 

_"What d'you mean, fight it?! Who's dumb enough to fight something like that?!"_

Zelda pointed. Link rolled his eyes and drew his sword. 

Sirius had long ago established Harry's little friend was completely bonkers, so he wasn't totally surprised when the blond casually swung under the lynel's blade and jumped on its back. 

Okay, no, he was completely surprised. And appalled. _And so done with this shit._ "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" 

Zelda looked entirely unconcerned, fiddling with the Slate while she waited for them to finish. 

It didn't take long. Link simply shoved his sword in the beast's back before it could grab hold of him, and the deed was done. 

The lynel toppled over, tongue poking out of its leonine face, hooves in the air. Link jumped off, brushing nonexistent dirt off his trousers. 

"Are you quite done?" Zelda asked nonchalantly. 

He nodded. 

"Good. It's your turn to make dinner." 

"Don't we have chefs now?" 

"Yes. It's still your turn." 

Sirius stared at the body for a long moment. He looked at the arguing couple. Then the lynel. And back again. He absently flicked his wand, dousing the raging fires left by the fight. 

_Why did he hang out with these people?_

\- 

"I hate you _so much_ ," Sirius wheezed, having just taken a little rocky fist to the gut. He'd been ready to blast the rotten rock-monster to smithereens when Link had stolen his well-earned revenge by smashing it with a hammer. A hammer that was at least as big as he was. 

Link just shrugged and offered the wizard the piece of amber that had been concealed in the living stone. 

Zelda stoppered her flask of fireproof elixir. "We're almost there," she said, passing another bottle to Sirius. He drank it grumpily. 

He was sweaty, he was bruised, and he was more than ready to leave this rock-infested wasteland. "I never want to see another Merlin-blasted rock again," he grumbled. 

Link paused at that. Zelda just shook her head as they climbed the last few meters to the entrance of the Southern Mine to see... more rocks. Some even larger rocks. And a pool or two of lava. 

These two were trying to kill him, he just knew it. 

Then one of the bigger rocks unrolled, revealed a lot of yellow, and waved. "Hello there!" it called, smiling a wide, reptilian grin. 

"Hey, Jengo!" Link called back. 

Sirius turned to the little blond. He glared. 

_"Rocks,_ " he snarled. 

"At least we haven't encountered a talos?" Zelda offered. Like that would stop Link. Now that she'd said it, they undoubtedly would. 

"I don't even want to know what that is." 

(Half a day later Sirius learned exactly what a talos was. More specifically, an igneo talus. He blamed Link.) 

\- 

Sirius looked from Link to the vast, snowy mountains in the distance. He looked back at Link, who held up a shield with a hopeful grin. Then back to the mountain. Link, mountain. 

"No." 

"I thought you liked shield surfing," Link said, disappointed. 

"I _didn't mind sand-seal_ surfing," Sirius corrected warily. 

"Well _I'm_ going," Zelda said, snatching her husband's shield. "It's been a long time since I've been to Hebra." 

Link grinned. "We should visit Selmie. She has an entire course set up." 

Sirius groaned. "This is going to end in either a monster or an avalanche." He paused, frowning. "Why do I sound like an adult? Why have you two turned me into the responsible adult of the group? Merlin's _beard_ that's horrible; give me a shield." 

Shield-surfing _was_ fun. It _also_ ended when Link wiped out by smashing into a frost talus. Sirius felt vindicated. 

\- 

Sirius breathed deliberately slowly. In through his nose, out through his mouth. One. Two. 

Eh, nope. " _Why_?" he demanded. 

Link blinked. "Why not?" He pulled out another bulbous, slightly smelly, and suspiciously organic balloon, tying a cord at its base. He hummed slightly as he strung it to a thin wooden raft. 

Zelda calmly stepped onto the platform, even as it started to rise, tilting alarmingly with only three balloons attached. It leveled as Link tied off a fourth. "Are you coming?" the queen asked cheerfully. 

Sirius nearly groaned aloud but dutifully hopped on before the raft could rise too far. "You hylians are crazy." 

Link whipped around, offended. "How is this any worse than riding _broomsticks_?!" 

"Broomsticks?" Zelda repeated, baffled. 

"Oi!" Sirius squawked. "You take that back! Broomsticks at least make sense!" 

"Since when?!" 

"Boys," Zelda inserted smoothly before a truly juvenile argument could start. "I'm sure both just seem strange because you're not used to it," she added sensibly. 

Link wrinkled his nose, turning to swing a massive leaf at the ballons. It got the raft moving forward, and the queen and wizard left him to navigate. It had been his idea anyway; something about dropping in on the Rito from above being funny? Sirius didn't get it, but whatever. 

"Is this really normal?" he mouthed at Zelda. 

She rolled her eyes. "No," she mouthed back. "Link's the only one who does this." She paused. "Well, him and the goblin-folk." 

Sirius stared. "Oh, that makes me feel so much better," he said aloud. 

Link spun around, eyeing the two suspiciously. 

Zelda gave him a sunny smile in return. "I had no idea octoroks were quite so buoyant. Don't they primarily live underground?" 

The king nodded, still watching his wife warily, before swinging the leaf to throw another great gust of air. 

"...What exactly are we flying with?" Sirius couldn't help but ask. He regretted it the instant the words left his mouth. 

Zelda's smile just got even sunnier. 

\- 

"I'm still not wearing that." 

"It works, I promise!" 

" _Nothing_ you say will change my mind," Sirius insisted stubbornly. 

Zelda looked up at him pleadingly. "Please?" 

Sirius froze, then scowled. "I'm not shaving my beard." 

Link grinned and held out the traditional gerudo vai clothing he'd bought for Sirius all that time ago, during their first trip through the desert. 

He just knew he was going to regret it. 

Coincidentally, he very much did. Especially when a stray gust of wind got him rather painfully tossed out the gate. 

" _Rainbows_ , this time," Sirius muttered vindictively. 

Also coincidentally, Link didn't emerge from the town for another two days, leaving Zelda to console Sirius at the Bazaar. 

Sirius did indeed hex the tiny king rainbow colored. With glitter. 

It took a solid week to wash off. Sirius felt smug every time Link sparkled his way through Hyrule Castle's halls. 

\- 

Sirius sighed gustily as he stared out across the vast desert from the re-opened dig-site at the Arbiter's Grounds. Link and Zelda had opted to give him some privacy for this venture, for which the wizard was grateful. It had been an eventful couple of years, and he'd long since become great friends with the royal family, but he still found himself missing home sometimes. 

What he wouldn't give to see his best friend or his godso- 

A flash of deep orange light pulsed from the ruins. Sirius drew his wand warily. 

Four figures tumbled out of the glow. 

"Ouch!" 

"Gerroff, Ginny!" 

"Get your foot out of my face, _Ronald_!" 

"Oh for - _levicorpus!_ " 

" _Really_ , Hermione?!" 

"Well you're out of the pile, aren't you?" 

"Guys, _look!_ " 

And that last voice was so familiar that Sirius nearly dropped his wand. Wide green eyes stared out across the sand at him, and Sirius was moving before he consciously thought to. "Harry! What are you doing here? _How_ did you get here?" 

Harry smiled. "Hermione's research. A few things Link said at school." He grinned up at Sirius. "Found you." 

Sirius couldn't help but let out a loud, barking laugh. "Yeah, you did. C'mon, Harry," he stopped, added, "Hermione, Ginny, Ron. I've got so much to show you." 

\- 

END 


End file.
